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Even when we are surrounded by people, we may still be clueless about how to turn those people into friends. When we were younger, we used to find ourselves in contexts that had all the ingredients for nurturing friendships: continuous unplanned interaction and shared vulnerability.As I’ve been writing a book on making friends as an adult, I’ve come to recognize the various abilities that each of us can cultivate in order to make friends. As adults, we no longer inhabit these contexts by default.Or even if you’re crazy outgoing, you have other obligations—your career, partner, family, hobbies—sucking up time, so forming fresh bonds isn’t a priority.It’s a shame, given that a slew of research shows that the quality of your social ties has a huge impact on your happiness and health.Compliment others, tell someone a moment when you thought about them when they were not around, scan for traits to like in people you meet, share if someone made you see something in a new light, and show enthusiasm when greeting people. When someone does reject them, they know that it doesn’t mean anything about who they are.They are also not quick to assume rejection in an ambiguous circumstance.But making friends as an adult is more like seeing the gynecologist. Where do you start without resorting to combing loud bars filled with people who are actually as young as you feel but who look like middle schoolers? I can't guarantee you won't feel like you're about to get the speculum or that you won't fall on your face and spill something that stains on something really expensive. But the actually doing it...well, it's about as fun as a brief encounter with a freezing cold speculum while your panties are in a wad on a plastic chair in a freezing cold (and poorly lit) office. OK, so maybe I'm being dramatic, but unless you're one of those natural social butterflies or one of the rare birds who still regularly hangs out with all your high school friends, finding new people is tough. Even science has looked at the issue of adult friendships and found that without serious work, it's basically all downhill once you hit your late 20s.

Making friends when you're younger just happens naturally. So what do you do if you wake up one morning and realize you don't have any people?

Reciprocity will come, but in the early stages of the relationship, be prepared to reach out.

Inviting someone to hang out, checking in to see how someone is doing, and commenting on someone’s posts on social media.

Friendship is cultivated through spending time together, and your friendship will likely transform the more you get to know each other. Taking radical responsibility in your friendship-making also means that you take it upon yourself to reach out.

Staying optimistic about new friends (and not making snap judgments about friendship potential), continuing to show up at social gatherings, and checking in. When you meet someone initially, make sure you follow up and find more time to connect.




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